4/27/17 NOTE: Decided to make this private post public on impulse.
Actually, it doesn’t feel like I’m turning 20 in a few moments, but hey, Taylor Swift’s song is just catchy and irresistible to parody, okay?
I guess there some sort of excitement attached on the idea of turning half a century old. You’re one of the adults now. You’re expected to be a responsible and independent human being, planning and deciding for your future- far off or not. What is left of childhood should’ve rubbed off by now and you’re off to face the world, ready or not.
I guess it is something. It’s a culmination of your transition from -teen to -ty. No longer a teen. Adult. Responsibilities. Decisions. Grown-up stuff, you know? Yet so young with so much to do in life and you only have to figure out where to start.
How I feel right now is very different compared to when I was turning 18. I was giddy and so full of energy for life. I looked forward to explore what the world offers and enjoy the freedom so different from a child’s. I was a free spirit. Young and so inexperienced and I yearned for more.
Since then, I’ve been in a relationship, found soul siblings, explored the creative side, transitioned from camper to assistant counselor, mentored creative people, and other sorts of responsibilities and life changers I didn’t think of much before.
Since then, I’ve gotten tired. I’ve lost all the wonder and energy I felt blessed to have. Going with the flow lost its charm.
Making decisions was important. Indecisiveness needed to go (and that was very much like me to be that).
I got caught up in routine and drama and responsibilities and self-discovery and searching for purpose. I’d lose sight of God and found Him again (and it would be like a game of hide-and-seek).
Basically I ended up getting what I wished for. Experiences. Lots of it.
They all made one thing clear for me: I wasn’t ready.
I wasn’t ready for change. For life. I was thrown out of the comfort zone too many times and I recklessly worked it out with so much uncertainty and nervousness.
I broke down. Many times. Different reasons. I was stirred.
But I’m glad, despite it all. Even if I felt that the bad stuff outweighed the good stuff. The point is that there was still something good in life. I had to hold on to that.
In the past two years, I’ve gone through so much. It all made me question the kind of person I was. It made me question my purpose, my role in all of this. If I really wanted to be who I am now. If this was what God wanted.
It felt like I’m back to square one. I didn’t knew myself after all. I wondered if past me would recognize me if she saw the person I see often in the mirror.
I find answers. Not to everything, but along the way, there were realizations.
That life is not mine to live. It’s His. And I suck at it. There were a lot of things that mattered so much to me before that rarely mattered now. I am flawed and capable of mistakes and part of growing up is taking responsibility of it and learn from it.
There is still so much to learn.