Personal

I Don’t Know About You, But I’m Feeling Twenty Too! (A pre-20 post)

4/27/17 NOTE: Decided to make this private post public on impulse.

Actually, it doesn’t feel like I’m turning 20 in a few moments,  but hey, Taylor Swift’s song is just catchy and irresistible to parody, okay?

I guess there some sort of excitement attached on the idea of turning half a century old. You’re one of the adults now. You’re expected to be a responsible and independent human being, planning and deciding for your future- far off or not. What is left of childhood should’ve rubbed off by now and you’re off to face the world, ready or not.

I guess it is something. It’s a culmination of your transition from -teen to -ty. No longer a teen. Adult. Responsibilities. Decisions. Grown-up stuff, you know? Yet so young with so much to do in life and you only have to figure out where to start.

How I feel right now is very different compared to when I was turning 18. I was giddy and so full of energy for life. I looked forward to explore what the world offers and enjoy the freedom so different from a child’s. I was a free spirit. Young and so inexperienced and I yearned for more.

Since then, I’ve been in a relationship, found soul siblings, explored the creative side, transitioned from camper to assistant counselor, mentored creative people, and other sorts of responsibilities and life changers I didn’t think of much before.

Since then, I’ve gotten tired. I’ve lost all the wonder and energy I felt blessed to have. Going with the flow lost its charm.

Making decisions was important. Indecisiveness needed to go (and that was very much like me to be that).

I got caught up in routine and drama and responsibilities and self-discovery and searching for purpose. I’d lose sight of God and found Him again (and it would be like a game of hide-and-seek).

Basically I ended up getting what I wished for. Experiences. Lots of it.

They all made one thing clear for me: I wasn’t ready.

I wasn’t ready for change. For life. I was thrown out of the comfort zone too many times and I recklessly worked it out with so much uncertainty and nervousness.

I broke down. Many times. Different reasons. I was stirred.

But I’m glad, despite it all. Even if I felt that the bad stuff outweighed the good stuff. The point is that there was still something good in life. I had to hold on to that.

In the past two years, I’ve gone through so much. It all made me question the kind of person I was. It made me question my purpose, my role in all of this. If I really wanted to be who I am now. If this was what God wanted.

It felt like I’m back to square one. I didn’t knew myself after all. I wondered if past me would recognize me if she saw the person I see often in the mirror.

I find answers. Not to everything, but along the way, there were realizations.

That life is not mine to live. It’s His. And I suck at it. There were a lot of things that mattered so much to me before that rarely mattered now. I am flawed and capable of mistakes and part of growing up is taking responsibility of it and learn from it.

There is still so much to learn.

Advertisements

One thought on “I Don’t Know About You, But I’m Feeling Twenty Too! (A pre-20 post)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s